Cape Dee.. -_-

Gila deh ya, kadang aku bisa nulis panjang lebar about yg aku pikir important pada saat itu. Terus setelah sekian lama, aku buka & baca2 lagi notes2 yg aku bikin atau blog post, dll.

Aku bisa mikir, “yoan? Sayang? Kamu lg drunk ato apaaaa koq ya nulis beginian tow ya nduk.. Hunnyyy bunnnyyyy sweetieee pieee.. Lapo kon ngetik iki piye?”

Seriusan men. Tapi, ada beberapa yg aku baca tuh ampe aku geleng2 kepala ndiri.
Beberapa ada jg sih yg aku baca terus bikin aku kagum, “gile, keluar jg gue kata2 beginian. Beh, mantap aleeeee!”
Tapi, ada yg juga bikin aku bertanya2 mah diri sendiri, ya apa aku baru minum alkohol tah piye koq ya kata2ku kayak orang mabuk.
Heran tapi yah nyata.
Hadehhhh.. Yoannnn sayanggg yoan sayangggggg..

sudah (sudahlah)

ada kalanya aku mengais mimpi pada seluas dunia langit (yang bukan sebelum) namun itu, yang setelah, yang kutahu dan berharga kurasan tangis dan seusap sapuan dada.

menatap bentangan hari esok tak tampak cahaya maupun sekilas cerah, perteduhan suram tanpa jaminan setitik kebahagiaan.

sendiri menapaki langkah seperti yang sudah-sudah.

sudah? ya benar sudah.
kali ini sudah.

sudah tak ada lagi sebuah perlunya harap kugantungkan lagi di awan sana.

sudah tak perlu lagi pencarian kilas balik sebuah memori, lalu masa yang pernah ada.

“kubuang” sebuah kata terlalu frontal, “kulepas” saja mimpi-mimpi maya maupun harap cinta di situ saat ku di sana, pernah saja kuharap nyata.

sudah. memang perlu sudahi saja.

sudah. lelah.
telah. kusampai saja di dunia nyata.
detik-detik diam ku sudah berjalan.
baik. sudahi saja ini.
dan bukan lagi sejenak kata kiasan, “kusudah”.
dan biarkan namun biarlah.
kali ini. sudah.

This Is Me (February 14th 2013)

Nobody knows that she tries to hide her pains.
Nobody knows she’s so afraid about what tomorrow brings.
No one knows the problems she’s having and that in fact she’s at the lowest point of her life.
When no one knows, it means she’s all alone.
Or some or all maybe know.
But, no one’s there, none shows up.

She’s facing it all.
Mind-boggling reality, facts & chaos.
Everyday she struggles, nothing new.
All the issues are in line.
Though, she gave it all out and tried her best shot,
Still, nearly half of it (or maybe more) remain unsolved.
Puzzling things and all.
Fighting herself.
Doubting all & everything.
Doubting herself.

While she keeps thinking & questioning, “Could she ever survive? Survive from the storm. Like she once (or twice or a couple times) before.”.

While the clock keeps ticking, the world keep on turning, she wonders how if her world or when her time will stop.

(February 14th 2013)

I’m Sorry But I Gotta Leave

I stalk your timeline again like I got nothing to do.

I’ve talked my problems about you to some people I know.

Still, I hear those same advices. & yes, I wish one of them would tell me otherwise but no.
They told me to move on, that this ain’t right.

I could do nothing else but to pack my bags & leaving you & all the memories behind.
I’ve always wished you were my prince charming but in the reality, life has given me another story & it’s not a happy ending for me & you.

I wish & I wish I could ask why. But, who am I to ask?
I’m cool with pains. I’m used to with it.
But, this truth I should swallow ain’t an easy one & is not at all what I wished for.

I’m not sorry for anything, for there’s nothing I could do but to leave it where it should.

& still, right now I only look back & wish I never met you.
But, the damage done.
The past will stay past.
The past could never belong to the future nor the present.

I wish there could be another way, for still I haven’t met someone better than you. You’re the picture perfect that I always imagine.
& I guess, no one could ever replace you.
But, I do know too.
You won’t come to knock on my door for me to hear you pop that one question.
Somehow, I know you won’t.
I just kinda know you won’t.
‘Cause you know how strong a woman’s feeling could be sometimes.
& I just know this would never be.
I’ve counted & weight it all out with all the knowledge & all of my life’s calculator.
The result still comes out the same.
Over & over again, I just knew it.
You will never gonna make that one step.
To just make this work out of you & me.

No matter how strong my feelings & love for you have blinded me.
Time & time again, the reality will keeps hitting me right into my face.
That this would never be, no matter how long I cry, how much I keep thinking about it, no matter how much I pray.
This would never work out.

It hurts me to know that you’ll never get to read this note that I make for you.
But, it’s better that way.
That relationship sometimes could be like a broken glass or mirror. It’s best to leave it broken where it should than to hurt us by trying to put the pieces together again.
It still won’t ever be the same.

Sometimes, I look at the ceiling of my room as if I stare to an empty sky, with a tear that I hold inside, I ask God, “I thought out of all my life’s miseries, how could dare to do this to me about this one thing. You could do something, you could hinder me to meet him, or you could change his feelings to make it work? Why, God? Why? I could stand many of life’s pains but not this kind of stuff? You know how real I was & forever will toward this guy. You know there’s still so much for me to give into this relationship. You know how I’ll commit my best toward this. You know how much I sacrifice myself just because of him & this. You know there’s still so much for me to give. There’s still so much & so much.”
But, I could never dare to say it all out toward Him.
I could never do that.
God is the only thing that’s true in my whole life.
He’s all I’ve got when I got nothing’s left.

So, I’m left with nothing at all.
At usual it’s a pain that I should go through, it’s a suffering I gotta endure, it’s a loneliness that I gotta embrace.
But, I’ve faced the worst before, I know I can face this.

So, goodbye for you.
I may still stalk your timeline, stare at your picture.
Hear songs that reminds me of you.
But, as I close the browser, I’ll close myself on you.
As finish listening all those songs of you, I’ll be finish on those stupid feelings inside.
It’s just me, & how moody I could get.
You won’t get it.
I’m a strong girl, it may a part of me that you’re never knew or knew whatever.
I’ll be fine, I’ll be okay without you.

Someday, I wish I could see you with a smile to show you that I could make it through, even if I’m without you.
You’d see that I could pull it through.
So, probably before someone else replace every lil’ bit of you inside of me.
Then, I’ll keep on stuck on you.
But, I’ll be alright.
I’m a big girl, I’m a strong girl.
After all these times, I’ve shown you how much I’ve grown through all these pains.
A stronger me inside is showing in all things I do.
The light inside of me, never dimmed, it gets brighter though I don’t let it show.
You’d know, I could.

This would be another thing, I’ll never let you know.
For maybe, you wouldn’t even care that much about it.
You ain’t me, dear.
& I ain’t you.

You never care about me as much as I do toward you.
& this is just a part of me, you didn’t knew & you won’t get to see.
The same with the one simple reply from you that I never get.
All it takes was only one simple reply. Was that too much to ask?
But, still. I got nothing from you.
Like always.
Lol, foolish me.
Yeah, that’s it.

It’s fine.
I’m a strong girl.
No one needs to know the inside of me that breaking.
Let them only know my smile.
Somehow, probably that’s better.
It’s a cruel world we could live in somehow.
But, with God’s grace I know I can make it.
Someday, you’ll see me differently.
The one with a genuine smile on her face, a stronger soul, a life’s testimony to share, finally with my real happiness inside & out.

One day, you’d see me differently.
One day, you would.

So, goodbye you.
All the best for you in life,
Thanks for everything.

I’ll do this not for you nor for anyone else, I do it for me.
It would never be wasted.
It’s for my own good.
It’s for myself, you won’t get it.
So, again.
Goodbye, dear friend.
Goodbye, you.
Goodbye, memories.
Goodbye, past.

Welcome, new me.
Welcome, my future.

*i’m blowing my one last kiss goodbye*

(Sun, July 21th 2013 – 04:38am)

Alright, so this is me:

- No make up (well, just a pink lipstick) ☑
– With just my natural eyebrows (like sinchan, lol) ☑
– My fave comfy T-shirt ☑
– My smile :)

(It doesn’t mean that girls & women shouldn’t wear make-up, fix their eyebrows, need not to wear fancy clothes, high heels or stuff. No, it’s not that. It’s a must actually. For a lady, it’s necessary. But, it’s just that…)

Finally, I’m here.
It’s good to finally be myself.
Learning to love yourself.
Surely, it’s time.

For such a long time I’ve been & have struggled to be someone else.

Today, I just want to celebrate this freedom I have. To finally found & see the beauty of just being me. ♥

Playing “Hangman”? Uhm, no.



Barusan buka BB appworld. Salah satu suggestionnya adalah game “Hangman”.

Dulu sih pernah main di komputer tapi sekarang ga bakal lagi mau main.

Sama sekali ga mau mendiskreditkan game ini sih, tapi sekedar ga tega aku sama sistem mainnya game ini.
Coba deh pikir? Masa karena kesalahan kita akhir-akhirnya harus ada yang digantung?
Kejam banget mah itu. :(

Nah nah, that is so so so not me.

Just a random post by the way.